How to drive in Pakistan (1)

“Salaam aleikum, and welcome to my driving school, Sohail’s School of Improbable Motoring.  Ok, here are the keys.  Feel free to drive off whenever you like.

“Very good, I note that you pulled away from the kerb and drove off without checking in your mirrors.  See, in Pakistan, it’s the responsibility of the person behind you to stop, so if you pull out rashly and they smash into you, it’s their fault.  Checking in the mirrors before driving off is a waste of time, so well done there.  Right, if you could just swerve dangerously around that pothole, we’ll be on our way.

“Notice anything?  No?  Not even that motorcyclist behind us, waving furiously and making rude hand gestures?  You almost hit him when you swerved, but it doesn’t matter, a motorbike’s smaller than a car so it’s his problem.

 

“Ok, now that we’ve got to the end of the road I can’t help but notice that your driving is flawed.  Your clutch control, steering, gear changes and speed are all perfect, but you haven’t beeped your horn once.  Not once!  Do you know how dangerous that is?  Without beeping your horn how will people be able to see you?  They’ll never look, so it’s up to you to make yourself visible by leaning on the horn.  Also you may need to say hello to friends, or to tell a rickshaw to move over, or to tell someone that their boot just popped open and all of their luggage is strewn across the road.  Believe me, your horn is the single most important part of your car.

“Splendid, you found it.  No, you need to lean on it more.  No, more.  There, that’s it.  If a crow in a tree six hundred metres away flies away in alarm you’re getting the hang of it.  Oops, swerve around that camel, won’t you?  Oh dear, you clipped its leg and broke one of your wing mirrors.  Doesn’t matter, nobody uses them anyway.

“Right, if you could just park here we’ll move on to your second driving lesson.  Might need to beep the horn a bit to get that donkey to get out of the way.