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The car scrunched down the gravel track, bumping from rut to rut before lurching to a halt in front of a battered old gate.  Children turned to look as we got out of the old Toyota.  Elderly men squatting by the side of the road stroked their beards pensively as they observed us.  As we pushed open the gate and entered the graveyard it felt as though several hundred pairs of eyes were fixed on us.  They weren’t hostile, merely curious, as the locals tend to be when a tall Englishman and his Pakistani friend turn up in a bazaar in northern Pakistan.

I had come to visit Murree’s Old Cemetery.  Murree, a town some forty miles from Islamabad, flourished when the soldiers and administrators of the British Raj realised that spending the summer months in the verdant foothills of the Himalayas was preferable to sweating it out on the plains of the Punjab.  Every summer, as the sun soared in the Indian sky and the mercury rose ominously, the British would flee, trailing up into the hills like animals fleeing from a brushfire.  Here they would remain for the worst of the summer heat.  Here they built hotels and cottages, here they danced, here they came to recuperate from injuries sustained on the battlefields of the empire.

And here they died.  The cemetery tells their tales well enough.  Rows of graves, some plain, others ornate, some crowned with crosses which seem incongruous in what has now become the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, tell of the generations of British imperialists who died here, so far from home.  Some graves are those of soldiers – “In Memory of Lt. David Albert Beere”, “Pte. R. F Theobald” – others of administrators – “Charles Arthur Sharpe, scholar of King’s College Cambridge and Engineer in the Public Works Department of India” – while others are painfully personal, such as the grave of one Violet Rose Ward who died aged 30 leaving a husband and both her parents, or that of young Heather June Finnegan who died in 1945, aged 7.  The cemeteries of Murree – there are several – testify to the diversity of the British Raj.  All of society was here, from babies to grandparents, brilliant young scholars to hoary old veterans of the Afghan Wars, and when they died they were buried in traditional Anglican cemeteries, a last taste of home in a distant land.

The Old Cemetery is overgrown now.  Many of the graves are broken, their headstones toppled by tree roots, while goats crop the grass and leave their droppings on the decaying slabs of marble.  It is neglected, ignored by the seething masses that throng the bazaar outside.  It is a poignant place, full of memory, a corner of a foreign field that is, somehow, England.  We pushed the gate open, let it creak shut behind us, and walked back to our car as a squadron of emerald parakeets careered overhead, the sound of their screeching echoing around the valley.

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I sat in the property office chatting to the dealer who had just found us a new house.  I had to drop off some documents so that he could draw up our rental agreement.  This was a task that could have taken all of fifteen seconds, but this being Pakistan, it was taking significantly longer.

Bureaucratic inefficiency, maybe?  No.

Bad traffic causing me to arrive late?  No.

Pakistani hospitality?  Yes.

“Before you go, have chai with us” said the dealer politely.  His co-workers nodded eagerly.

“It’s kind, sir, but really, I must go” I said.  Perhaps strangely, it’s actually polite to refuse at least once.

“No really, you must drink chai with us.  Just a small cup” he insisted.

“Dear brother, you are so kind, but I have many tasks to do.  I’m afraid I really must go”.

“Dear sir, you are our guest!  Please, do us the honour of drinking chai with us”.

I hesitated, my resolve weakening by the second.  He smiled and played his trump card.

“Besides, I have already ordered it.  Look, here it is now”.

A tall Pashtun man from the frontier walked in and placed a steaming cup of chai in front of me as though it were some kind of votive offering.

The property dealer smiled.

“And now, we drink”.

Every morning a chap on a bicycle wobbles over to our house and passes a newspaper through the front gate.  Though a daily newspaper is something of a luxury, we like to be informed of what is going on, and reading a Pakistani newspaper gives us a good insight into the inner workings of this marvellous and baffling place.

If you don’t have a Pakistani newspaper to hand (and if you’re not in Pakistan, that’s quite likely to be the case) then I’ll save you the trouble by providing you with a summary of what it will inevitably contain:

  • Political leaders giving sweeping assurances on the state of the country.
  • A report on the current power issues plaguing the country, including phrases like “loadshedding”, “bill arrears”, and sweeping assurances from political leaders that the power problems will be resolved within 12 months (they repeat this statement, on average, every 12 months).
  • Heartbreaking news about the number of polio cases in remote parts of the country.
  • Political leaders requesting the Supreme Court to take “suo moto” notice of some problem or other (I have no idea what this means).
  • Advertisements for luxury cars that 99.9% of the population of Pakistan could never dream of being able to afford.
  • Updates on the recent travails of the Pakistani cricket team.

Reading the paper is made significantly more charming by the quaintness of the English that the journalists employ.  Pakistani newspaper journalists seem to be stuck in a time-warp, using antiquated language and syntax that probably stemmed from some 19th century manual on sentence construction.  Some of their sentences are of epic length:

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Some columnists use a friendly, informal style which I find immensely appealing.  Take, for example, this person lamenting the lack of garbage disposal facilities in Islamabad:

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Here’s that suo moto thing I mentioned.  I’d be surprised if anyone outside the Supreme Court actually knew what it meant:

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Then we have the letters section, invariably full of lengthy, impassioned pleas for the betterment of Pakistan.  Generally these will contain a call for revolution, but not much detail about how it will be achieved:

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 The best thing I ever read in a Pakistani newspaper was an article about terrorism which described terrorists as “miscreants”.  Miscreants!  A group of murderous barbarians described using a word which is normally employed when referring to misbehaving schoolchildren.  Somehow things don’t look quite so dark when viewed through the majestic prose of the Pakistani journalist.  Long may it all continue.

Our third child, and second daughter, was born recently.  This leads me to make two observations: firstly, that three children are a LOT more work than two, and secondly, that life is unfair.

 I’ll explain.  A Pakistani friend of ours also had his third child recently.  Like us he had a boy, then a girl, and now another girl.  Like us he loves his children very much.  Like us he and his wife are devoted parents.  Like us they are delighted to have three healthy children.  But there the similarities end and the differences begin.

 Our kids have Western passports – two each, actually, since they have dual nationality.  For both of those countries the life expectancy is over 80 years.  The literacy rate is effectively 100%.  If we had to return to either of our home countries our kids would benefit from high-quality healthcare at a low cost.  Both of our home governments score highly on transparency ratings, since Western countries have largely eliminated corruption.  If we got into trouble our foreign offices would, in all probability, get us out of it.  While it’s impossible to say that our children will have trouble-free lives, their passports give them a ticket to a life of significant privilege.  They are probably among the most privileged children in the world.

 And our friends’ kids?  Pakistani life expectancy is 65 years, its literacy rate 57%.  Quality healthcare is available here, at a cost.  If you can’t pay for it, you can’t have it.  The average salary is around $3,000 a year, less than a tenth of that in the Western countries whose passports my children possess.  We went to visit our friend recently.  His new daughter, a month older than ours, weighs less now than our daughter did at birth, and she’s growing a lot more slowly.  This is partly due to the fact that she is being fed cow’s milk, since that is what the doctor recommended.  A better doctor would not recommend cow’s milk, but they can’t afford a better doctor, so their daughter’s development is suffering.

 So, to summarise, our daughters were born within a month of each other.  One is statistically likely to live 20% longer, be healthier, earn ten times more money, and is twice as likely to receive an education.

 May God have mercy on a world in which, even at birth, the paths of childrens’ lives are so unjustly laid out.

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A while ago it became necessary, for various reasons, to make a trip to a town some hours to the north of Rawalpindi.  As this was before we purchased a car we had to make the trip by bus.  You might think that would be a hardship, public transport being generally regarded as less preferable to private, but Pakistan is blessed with the Daewoo bus company.  This company – Korean, I think – has brand-new, air-conditioned buses which run to time, which have TVs, and whose staff even go to the trouble of handing out free snacks and cold drinks during the journey.  It’s an excellent way to travel.

             Anyway, I digress.  We hopped in a taxi and started to make our way to the Daewoo terminal.  It was a spectacularly bad choice of vehicle: run-down, clunky, and in remarkably bad condition, even by Pakistani standards.  The rear windscreen was a piece of clingfilm.  It rattled and banged like a loose door in a strong wind.  The driver was intent on stopping to fill up with CNG (compressed natural gas, the same LPG that some people use in the UK).  We insisted that we were in a hurry, so he grudgingly agreed to get us there and fill up afterwards.

 “Do you have enough gas to get us there?” we asked, more than a little anxiously.

 “Oh yes, no problem.  Don’t worry” he assured us.

             Well, he didn’t.  About three hundred yards from the terminal the car gave one last, sickening rattle and the engine died.  Coasting to the terminal was out of the question since Mehrans have a top speed roughly equivalent to that of a sloth with a sprained ankle.  We came to a halt by the side of the road – a four lane road, with cars weaving in and out at high speed, I might add.  He jumped out and started to push.  I jumped out and started to help.  Jodie stayed in the car and started to pray.

             Pushing a car down a Pakistani highway is the kind of thing life insurance companies don’t cover you for.  If you read the list of exclusions it’s in there somewhere, between “training to be a lion tamer” and “flying metal-tipped kites during thunderstorms”.  Cars blared their horns as they swerved around us.  Buses screeched their brakes in anger as they narrowly avoided slamming into us.  And the driver and I plodded stolidly on.  We came to a junction where two more lanes of cars joined our road, meaning that even more cars were desperately trying to avoid hitting us.  It really was quite terrifying.

             And then it was over; we pushed the car to the side of the road, paid the driver, took our bags, and dashed to the bus station, only to find that instead of being five minutes late, as we had thought, we were actually forty-five minutes early, which gave us plenty of time to thank God for his protection and to vow never again to stop a taxi driver filling up with CNG.

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When you learn Urdu one of the things that will mess with your head is the word order.  It’s hard for a foreigner, especially an English-speaking one, to come to terms with it.  You have to forget the way that you’ve been taught to speak, to construct sentences, because in Urdu it just doesn’t work that way.  To give you an example, here is an English dialogue and its literal Urdu translation.

 – Good morning, how are you?

– I am fine thanks.  What is your name?

– My name is Imran.  Where are you going?

– I am going to the bazaar to buy bread.  After that I will go online to read the Sweaty Pilgrims blog.

– Ah yes, that is my favourite.  Such wonderful insight into Pakistani life!

– I find his treatment of Pakistani social customs to be most interesting.  Most foreigners have a bad impression of Pakistan.

– But then, dear brother, most foreigners form their opinions of Pakistan without having visited it.

– This is true.  The media has a most pernicious influence on the minds of Westerners.

 And in Urdu:

 – Peace, respectfully.  Your what condition is?

– I okay am.  Your name what is?

– My name Imran is.  You where going are?

– I bazaar going am, bread buy for.  This afterwards I internet on will go, Sweaty Pilgrims blog to read for.

– Ah yes, this my favourite is.  Such wonderful insight Pakistani life into!

– When Pakistani social customs about he writes, it very interesting is.  Almost all foreigners opinion is this, that Pakistani a bad country is.

– Yes, my brother, but most foreigners their own opinions Pakistan of make Pakistan to visit without.

– This true thing is.  Media’s influence Western minds on very bad is.

 And so on.  If you want to learn Urdu you have to make a mental shift.  No longer should you follow the rules of English grammar in an attempt to sound intellectual and correct; in order to fit in you need to accept that you’re going to end up sounding like Yoda, the little green wise man from Star Wars who is famed for saying things like “Powerful you have become, the dark side I sense in you” and “Patience you must have, young padawan”.

 Come to think of it, when you’re learning Urdu, “patience you must have” is pretty good advice too…

When people hear that we live in Pakistan they tend to take a deep breath and roll their eyes.

“That must be stressful” they often say.

They’re often right.  Everyday life in Pakistan, as in many other developing countries, features a pretty high level of stress.  More or less everything is more difficult than it is in the West.  Things that are done online in the West – paying bills, ordering groceries, changing car registrations – is done in person in Pakistan, which means a trip to the bank and a good half hour (minimum) of your time.  Then there’s the stress and expense of renewing visas (meaning that permission to stay in Pakistan is conditional on the whims of the government and can be withdrawn at any time), and the power cuts (sometimes for up to 20 hours), and the heat, and a permanent level of anxiety about security – especially since a group of foreign tourists were recently killed in the mountains north of here.

And then there’s the additional stress.  Recently, for example, we have faced:

– Our daughter being sent for a CT scan to check for suspected hydrocephalus (false alarm, thankfully).

– Our son catching a virus which gave him a high temperature, which meant that he couldn’t sleep and we had to stay awake fanning him with a piece of cardboard all night.

– My wife slipping on wet tiles and pulling several muscles, which incapacitated her for two days.

– Me sleeping awkwardly on my right arm which effectively paralysed it for a day.

– One 20hr power cut and another 15hr one, which meant no fans and no water to take showers as we couldn’t run the water pump, and…

– …temperatures topping 40 degrees Celsius.

I write this not in an attempt to gain any kind of kudos or respect for the things we have to put up with.  I write this because there may be people who are thinking of coming to Pakistan to work for an NGO and I’d like them to know in advance some of the things they might have to deal with…

When people hear that we live in Pakistan they tend to take a deep breath and roll their eyes.

“That must be stressful” they often say.

They’re often right.  Everyday life in Pakistan, as in many other developing countries, features a pretty high level of stress.  More or less everything is more difficult than it is in the West.  Things that are done online in the West – paying bills, ordering groceries, changing car registrations – is done in person in Pakistan, which means a trip to the bank and a good half hour (minimum) of your time.  Then there’s the stress and expense of renewing visas (meaning that permission to stay in Pakistan is conditional on the whims of the government and can be withdrawn at any time), and the power cuts (sometimes for up to 20 hours), and the heat, and a permanent level of anxiety about security – especially since a group of foreign tourists were recently killed in the mountains north of here.

And then there’s the additional stress.  Recently, for example, we have faced:

– Our daughter being sent for a CT scan to check for suspected hydrocephalus (false alarm, thankfully).

– Our son catching a virus which gave him a high temperature, which meant that he couldn’t sleep and we had to stay awake fanning him with a piece of cardboard all night.

– My wife slipping on wet tiles and pulling several muscles, which incapacitated her for two days.

– Me sleeping awkwardly on my right arm which effectively paralysed it for a day.

– One 20hr power cut and another 15hr one, which meant no fans and no water to take showers as we couldn’t run the water pump, and…

– …temperatures topping 40 degrees Celsius.

I write this not in an attempt to gain any kind of kudos or respect for the things we have to put up with.  I write this because there may be people who are thinking of coming to Pakistan to work for an NGO and I’d like them to know in advance some of the things they might have to deal with…

I was driving through Islamabad recently when a traffic policeman pulled me over.  As a moderately  conscientious motorist who has never received a ticket or fine nor been in any kind of significant accident my brushes with traffic policemen are infrequent.  In fact in Pakistan the only reason I ever have to speak with one is either because they are bored and want someone to chat to, or, as happened to me recently, they want to borrow a pencil.

I didn’t have one.  He seemed confused.

“If you don’t have a pencil, how do you write?” he asked.

I attempted to respond that although I liked writing I tended to do so with a computer, and, either way, that I tended not to do any kind of writing while driving, but he laughed and waved me on.

Anyway, on this particular day the policeman seemed moderately irate.  This is odd, because in my experience Pakistani traffic policemen are courtesy itself.  I greeted him and asked him what the matter was.

“You were talking on your phone” he said.  This was undeniable.  A friend had called about a meeting later in the day and I had answered.  Though illegal in the West I had no idea that such a thing was also illegal in Pakistan.

I told him that I was terribly sorry and that I had no idea such a law existed.  He flipped to the appropriate page in his book of fines and showed me the small print.  There it was – “talking on mobile, 300 rupee fine”.  Bang to rights.  Caught red handed.  Busted.

“I’m so sorry, sir” I replied.  “You’re quite right.  I ask for your forgiveness”.

He seemed dumbstruck.  He scratched his head in confusion.

“You know I have to give you a ticket, right?” he said.

“Of course, you are quite right.  It is your job.  I am sorry to have caused you such bother”.

He didn’t know what to do.  People in Pakistan generally argue in this kind of situation.  Minor infractions lead to major disagreements, with lots of gesticulating, shouting, and usually bystanders getting involved for no apparent reason other than their love of a good show.  Nobody ever apologises, and certainly nobody ever asks for forgiveness.

Nobody.  Ever.

“Ok, next time” he said, with a confused face and perhaps the hint of a smile.  “Don’t do it again”.

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Introducing the all-new dieting craze that is taking Pakistan by storm, we are proud to present the Dodgy Kebab Weight-Loss Diet!

This revolutionary new concept in weight loss, developed as a partnership between companies in India, Pakistan, and in specialised dieting centres known as Fast-Food Outlets Of Dubious Hygiene (FFOODH) around the world, the Dodgy Kebab Weight Loss Diet enables you to lose weight rapidly, dramatically, and with only a minimum of violent illness!  This phenomenon is taking South Asia by storm, enabling many people, mostly foreigners with puny immune systems, to achieve that fashionable thin-as-a-rake look!

Here’s how it works:

1. First, go to a vendor of dodgy kebabs.  In Pakistan these can be found in any kind of settlement and come in a variety of types.  Minced beef will either be shaped onto a skewer or slapped flat, before being dunked in Cooking Oil Of Dubious Cleanliness, cooked, and served to you on bread with a knowing wink from the kebab salesman.

2. Next, eat the kebab.  This will be pleasant, since they are always tasty.

3. Now comes the difficult part: waiting.  It can be frustrating to wait, knowing that a sylph-like figure is just around the corner, but have patience!  The moment will come.  And when it does, your body will tell you.

4. Finally, rush to the toilet frantically, clutching at your backside, and let nature take its course.

You may need to repeat steps three and four.  You may need to repeat them many, many times.  But don’t worry; every time you repeat the steps you will get a little bit thinner!  After only a few days your body will be slim and ready to fit into any kind of clothing you can think of.

But don’t just take it from us, read some testimonies from satisfied customers of the Dodgy Kebab Weight-Loss Diet!

 “I couldn’t believe how easy it was to lose four kilos of body weight!  Admittedly I couldn’t move more than five metres away from a toilet for a whole week, but that’s a small price to pay” – Danish, Karachi.

“Forget about the Atkins Diet, regular exercise, or pills – just eat a dodgy kebab and you’ll lose pounds and pounds in a single day!  Do you have any toilet paper I could borrow?” – Irfan, Abbottabad.

 “I really would recommend the Dodgy Kebab Weight-Loss Diet.  It really helped me to – oh dear, excuse me, I have to dash to the bathroom…” – Mohammed, Rawalpindi.

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