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Hello and welcome to your daily weather show, with your host Shazia Mehmud.  It’s April now, so time to catch up on the latest weather predictions from our state-of-the-art forecasting centre in Lahore.  Summer is coming, so how’s the weather going to look?

First of all, we need to pay attention to a band of low pressure which is sweeping across the country.  This will have the effect of ushering in a period of hot, sunny weather across much of northern Pakistan.  However, across southern Pakistan, by contrast, there is a band of high atmospheric pressure coming in from the Arabian Sea, which will have the entirely different effect of ushering in a period of hot, sunny weather.

Central Pakistan will see a period of what appears to be hot, sunny weather.  In Baluchistan, on the other hand, the weather will be sunny and hot.  In northern Pakistan it’s worth considering the possibility that the weather will be hot and sunny, with very hot intervals.

Some readers have emailed in to ask how the weather will be in their locality.  Mahmud in Abbottabad, for example, says that his sister is getting married this week and wants to know if the weather will be suitable.  Well, Mahmud, we can confirm that the weather for your sister’s wedding will be hot and sunny.  Yasmeen in Karachi says that she’s planning a trip to the beach with her family but doesn’t want rain to spoil the day – no worries, Yasmeen, since the weather will definitely be hot and sunny!  And finally Nadeem from Gilgit wants to know if he will be able to do his outdoors photography course or if clouds will spoil the day – no need to worry, Nadeem, it will definitely be hot and sunny.

The situation is likely to change in a week or so, when a band of very hot weather will come in from Iran.  This will increase the temperatures by, ooh, I don’t know, lots.  Seriously, lots and lots.  Don’t worry, though, it will still be sunny.  Very sunny.

Oh look, a viewer from Multan has just texted in to ask if his team’s cricket match will be able to go ahead next Tuesday.  Well, sir, I have only this to say: is it possible for heat to stop play?  Or sun?  Ha ha, only joking!  Although seriously, you might want to check that out.

And now we can go live to our very own weather reporter who has been standing outside the studio here in Lahore to report on our own weather.  Zubair, how are things out there?  Hello?  Hello?  Zubair, can you hear me?  What’s that?  He’s collapsed from sunstroke?  Well, I guess that answers my question!  Thanks for your dedication to duty, Zubair!

That’s about all for today, viewers.  Remember, watch out for hot weather, also sunny weather, and especially very hot and sunny weather, variations of which will be on the cards until, ooh, November.  Until then…

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Summer in Pakistan is hot.  Also, the Pope is a Catholic.

Pretty obvious, I know.  Yet the heat and the sheer fierceness of the sun when it beats down on Pakistan comes as a surprise to anyone who grew up in the UK.  Over there the sun manages, somehow, to seem rather weak and puny – in the words of Douglas Adams, “Several billion trillion tons of superhot exploding hydrogen nuclei rose slowly above the horizon and managed to look small, cold and slightly damp”.  In Pakistan, those same tons of superhot exploding hydrogen nuclei look like, well, like several billion trillion tons of superhot exploding hydrogen nuclei.  You walk out of your house in May and the sun hits you – physically assaults you – on the head like a mugger waiting outside your gate with a truncheon in his hand.

This has a number of unexpected effects.  I frequently leave my sunglasses on the dashboard when I park the car, only to burn myself, often quite seriously, on the bridge of the nose when I come to put them on again.  Seatbelts are so hot they burn my kids (so we sometimes do without them; everyone else does anyway).

And then there are swings.

We take our kids swimming pretty regularly during the summer months.  Last week one of them hopped out of the pool and ran over to the small playground nearby.  She jumped onto the swings with an expression of glee.  This expression rapidly changed into one of surprise, then one of anguish.  A sizzling sound, such as you get when you chuck a couple of sausages into a hot frying pan, arose.  With a yelp she leaped up again, sprinted back to the pool, and jumped in, whereupon clouds of steam arose from her scorched thighs.  I checked to see what had happened and realised that the seat of the swing – constructed, with a palpable lack of foresight, out of metal – was hot enough to fry an egg.  Same for the see-saw.  Anyone wanting to rustle up a quick breakfast could have saved the bother of purchasing a frying pan and simply cracked an egg on the top of the slide; by the time it reached the bottom it would have been nicely cooked.

Goodness knows how we’ll cope if we ever return to the UK.